Folks, welcome to episode 12 of Trends in Low Places. We decided to take a slightly different approach in this episode. Rather than analytically breaking down insightful, meaningful news stories...well, we just decided we'd goof on them until they were exhausted of all goof potential. We talk about smart condoms, the best worst baby names of all time, Peeps Oreo and Elon Musk's plan to eject all of his rivals into the deep, inky blackness of space. Standard fare. Also, I taught Michael a fun new word.
While you listen, I'd like to provide a critical breakdown of the path to this episode. As I mentioned on the show, I learned about Peeps Oreo at the end of last week (we record on Sunday nights). More importantly, I learned that the Nabisco food wizards had concocted a snack that not only delivered joy: it also turned your goddamn poop pink. So, I instantly realized I had to put my bowels to the test. Here's a timeline of the events that followed, on Sunday:
1 pm: Decide, irrevocably, that it's in everyone's best interest that I eat an entire box of Peeps Oreo.
2 pm: Travel to Target; acquire Peeps Oreo.
2:07 pm: Taste first Peeps Oreo, become subtly inured to their rancid charm. Stockholm Syndrome sets in.
3:24 pm: Half the sleeve is gone. Delirium has set in. You've begun simply licking the gritty pink Peeps creme off the golden cookie slices. The tray is half-full of discarded cookie bullshit because you're living that "low-carb life." You've consumed 700g of sugar in the last hour, nearly as much as the last two years combined. Your life is coming off the rails.
4:57 pm: The sleeve of Oreos, much like your soul, is empty but for shitty golden crumbs. You pray for the only release imaginable and interesting: pink poop.
5:42 pm: Your host says he's 10 minutes from recording time; you pound some fiber and hit the porcelain. To your dismay, there's nothing special.
6 pm: You record an incredible, frankly hilarious podcast. In the back of your mind, you feel failure; betrayal from your own body. You blame yourself for not matching BuzzFeed's citizen journalists.
4 am: You wake up, immensely dehydrated and heart racing. Your limbs barely function. Apparently consuming more sugar in 2 hours than you have in 2 years has a deleterious effect on your body.
5:27 am: Still awake, wondering where the fuck that pink dye went.
6 am: Your dog farts in your face, waking you up from restless slumber.
7:21 am: Awaken from a dreamless sleep, unsure if you ever ate a Peeps Oreo. Having no proof to the contrary, assume that Peeps never existed and Jesus remains in the ground, unrisen and full of sugary goodness.
Oh, we also talk about USB-chargeable condoms and really dumb baby names.